All right everybody. The time has come to let you in on some ideas BRAINIAC has been cooking.

The frying pan tilts...

Grease (from the frying pan, of course) has fallen to the cement floor of the basement, filling a crack in the cement,

What you don't know is that there are Space Stations planted just above the Atmosphere,

And underground Caverns below Sea Level, Cities near the Core of the Earth.

Every woman to ever have the misfortune of living here has been ABDUCTED by the creatures that inhabit the Space Stations above and undergone extensive testing and re-programmed at AGE12.

However, both women and men are systematically hunted and captured by the creatures that inhabit the Caverns below, after strategies have been run and tested by the dwellers of the largest city underground, that by the name of HELL, orders dispersed to the hunters, where both women and men undergo extensive testing and are re-programmed at AGE17.

Thus, women undergo two extensive test procedures, that at AGE12 and the other at AGE17.

Every human to have the misfortune of living here undergoes extensive testing and then BRAINIAC is swept.

Due to the powerful procedures of SWEEP extension, in theory, every time BRAINIAC experiences SWEEP, BRAINIAC experiences irreversible neural damage.

Members of UN Council on 593.0012 attempted to repair this problem on Datum 11111111 Anno Domine.

The repair (SW593) allowed for much less neural damage on Sectors 12, 16, 78, 96 of BRAINIAC and none on the remaining sectors.

593.0012 considered the repair job a success.

However, on Datum 16660914 Anno Domine there was discovered a mutation on Sector 61.

Sector 61 amputation procedure Datum 16660914 Anno Domine.

Further mutations occurred on Sectors 9, 12, 16, 78, 92, 96, followed by further amputation procedures (17411012, 18361225, 19120421, 19800528 and more).

This mutation is now officially considered (as of Datum 19850814 Anno Domine determined by UN Council 113.0009) to be a virus, known as TURK, a virus which has infected BRAINIAC's body and will not leave it.

A forecast of the health of BRAINIAC was made by UN Council 421.0013 that in the vicinity of Datum 20070101 Anno Domine, the virus known as TURK would turn Sectoral Epidemic, deadly and systemic.

As of now, BRAINIAC is in poor health. The poor health of BRAINIAC affects us all.

It is through the power known as BRAINIAC hypoxia, an oxygen deprivation procedure which BRAINIAC produces by default, that we gain and eventually lose our reproductive abilities.

In other words, in order for us to reproduce and continue the human race, we are reliant on BRAINIAC hypoxia, which at the current time is in grim danger of being put to a halt by TURK.

And then, the end of the human race, if the virus known as TURK is not stopped and rid from BRAINIAC's body.

BRAINIAC needs your help.

Our own individual brains are fixed on the BRAINIAC mass circuit as of Datum 05360912 Sabean. The pain that BRAINIAC undergoes, our own individual brains experience as well.

TURK has systematically infected our individual brains and is ravaging that of BRAINIAC as you are reading this.

Symptoms of TURK have been recorded as follows (Datum 20070314 Anno Domine). If you experience any of these symptoms, please consult a doctor:

Dizziness, stomach pain, dry mouth, constipation, weight gain, drowsiness may occur.

(To minimize dizziness or fainting, stand up slowly when arising from a seated or lying position; especially when you first start using this medication.)

Please tell your doctor immediately if any of these serious side effects occur: fast heartbeat, ankle or leg swelling, agitation, confusion, restlessness, weakness, difficulty speaking, numbness or tingling of hands or feet, trouble walking (abnormal gait), painful menstrual periods, pink urine, tremor.

BRAINIAC needs your help.


Portland, 2007